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Girl Syndrome

by Sarahann Kolder

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1.
2.
all of the ways i learn how to love remembering how i loved you i didn’t know i had it in me all of the ways i learn how to love (myself) remembering how i loved you i didn’t know i had it in me (all along) giving you permission to let go of me giving you permission to be free yeah I’m too concerned with whether you like me and if your authority’ll always overwhelm mine and if i should take the time to find some peace of mind we be could an arena i wanna battle i get stronger and stronger i work harder and harder return to my roots i was a martyr (all along)
3.
there will be no equal exchange how can you judge the hand the feeds you i feel sick treating you like this as if you weren’t keeping me alive your love helped me survive it’s fair it’s right I never promised ya I’d be alright - didn’t you tell me who you were before it all started back when you were honest back when you had nothing to lose
4.
i came then i cried i need a body like the sun needs the tide i was stupid but i never lied i held you like you were winning the fight you did it for me cuz we wanted the same things you’re not a good friend you just like to play pretend you’re an actor decided to write your own roles you’re a liar compulsive people-pleaser damaged and numb takes one to know one i wish i could fix you but that’s something only you can do building some pride in your own eyes you did it for—
5.
now i can look at you as much as i want to you’re not telling me not to you’re not telling me not to I’m still takin my cues from you the loss didn’t leave me you gave me something i never had and you can’t take back all of your eccentricities are not escaping me i still look through your eyes
6.
feeling anxious thinking about the breakup i can feel myself de-forming growing up with crooked roots i can hear myself conforming to a future i can only smell i can heal myself disarming into a goo we all know well i can miss myself from a distance while the mirror’s left to bloat and swell the electricity i see with my eyes closed it’s a mystery i don’t wanna know
7.
why do i gotta write another sad song they think they’re betraying me but i don’t care about that sort of thing anymore (what do i care about?) what’s it gonna mean when you’re older? what’s it gonna mean that it’s never really over? will you prove me wrong? will you really move on? will i understand how a heart can close off completely? you are my love story if we’re trying to keep it simple like it ever was (ha) concise like we didn’t talk all the time I don’t feel pride in anything I’ve done I’m blessed I’m cursed I’m not the first or last one I say I’m sorry You always said you were sorry when you never did anything wrong and now you’re gone born guilty you didn’t stand a chance but when you’re with me it’s a special circumstance I say I’m sorry I say— Our lives are finite and I wonder if this is as low as I’m gonna go How can i know? Should I wait til the afternoon so it doesn’t seem like I’m desperate but desperate’s all I’ve been this week or month winter’s always been hard for me but I guess I’m meant to be alone like this right now
8.
outro 00:34
9.
bonus 02:37
A forgive and forget as the memory fades you know I’ll find the time wasted on regret as the future calls I know I’ll cross your mind suddenly I’m in a new city and i haven’t seen you for 10 years your new love she isn’t as pretty but I think you like what’s in-between her ears B hey don’t change I like you just the way you are hey (you’re so special) don’t change (so helpful) I like you just the way you are You’re so special So helpful So it’s ok that you feel this way C I give up on my thoughts making sense trying to interpret them like messages my thinking’s like scrambled eggs I just woke up it’s repetitive I’m still I’m in bed and I feel like I’m doomed already It’s scary how I feel so self-aware and no better off

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released May 15, 2023

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Sarahann Kolder Iowa City, Iowa

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